What Do You Do?

Whenever someone asks me what I do, I'm always shocked what comes out.

The usual thing I say is "I am a writer." This always provokes a million different questions about what I like to write, am I published, what am I working on now. This conversation leaves me feeling a bit hollow as it's a constant reminder that I haven't finished my next book. Next flow in the constant guilty voices of "you're not good enough or smart enough to finish it" or the loaded voice of "you don't have the guts, babe."

Man. All of that from one simple question.

If I'm feeling more "corporate-ish" the what I do answer is "I'm a public relations consultant." This is true, as my background is lots of years in corporate PR, ad agencies and the like. I do get the intermittent project to write a website, review some copy, develop a plan. When I say this, I feel like I'm not being true to my calling, my passion, what I was meant to do here on earth. So again, here come the deranged voices saying "is that really true missy?"

When I'm feeling whipped by life and low about my writing career, I give some sort of whishy washy answer of all my volunteerism to help prop up my ego. This sounds something like "Oh! I do many things like helping in my son's school each week, helping build a women's ministry at our church and launching a family foundation." I figure that sounds like a real altruistic, contributing sort of person in hopes that it helps me feel better about life, especially my own.

I can recall being at a business cocktail party surrounding with the high flyer set. My husband left me to retrieve a refreshment, when immediately an ambitious gentleman came up to chat. We made the usual small talk and then he asked the question, "what do you do?"

I fumbled at my words and was even more shocked to hear myself say "nothing." I literally said that I do nothing. I could not believe I couldn't come up with something better than that. What I meant to say was I wasn't really here for the business agenda or that I wasn't part of the program. I was just decoration, sort of. The poor guy felt sorry for me and politely found an opportunity to make conversation in another, more opportune area of the room. I felt like an idiot.

Where did my confidence go? I have done some awesome stuff with my life. I have written and published my own book. I have written many articles for women's magazines, an award winning monthly column and have been chosen for writing awards. I am even a featured blogger for Carolina Parent. I have a beautiful son, a fabulous husband, some truly amazing step children, I am launching an awesome family foundation and I get to spend time with my son each week at his school. He even treasures having me in his classroom. I'm blessed beyond belief and have so many good things cooking in the pot.

So why all the weirdness?

I can't help but think of all the things I haven't done yet. Sure I've done some cool stuff, but I want to do so much more. I guess I feel like maybe I'm squandering my talents or I'm not taking big enough risks. When people ask what I do, they don't want all that. They just want to make conversation, to figure out what bucket I fit in, what I'm like as a person.

So I need to stop and realize it's only a question that requires a simple answer. Not an explanation, not a laundry list of what I should be doing with my life, not a Texas-sized guilt trip.

It requires a smile and nod with me saying "I'm a writer, and you?"